Saturday the 18th of July 2009.
I’m moving from this home. I’m saying Goodbye to a home I dwelt in for close to two years. I never even liked the place much. Yet, I’m filled with a heaviness knowing I wont roam around these floors, have these walls to lean on, have these windows to sit by. I’m moving into a beautiful house. I love how it looks. Over the last 15 days, I’ve been thinking of how I’ll decorate it, how I’ll make it my new home! This sudden sense of familiarity that I’m going to leave away filled me with a yearning.. to belong… I feel a sense of belongingness to this home. Is it cos I stayed here too long?
I wonder why we feel this way… Why is it that we associate ourselves to something external, something outside of us and want to make it our own? The teddy bear I held onto, the books lying in my bookshelf for years, the furniture I liked, the blanket I cannot sleep without… the people I cannot live without…
Why this need to hold onto something with all our might. As if life itself would come to an end if it were to be taken away from us.
I’m sitting by myself in my dining room, listening to the nightly sounds of life – a bike finding its way on the pot-holed road outside, a child crying in a house upstairs, the television in my neighbor’s house, the rain pattering on the wall outside, the wind blowing hard into small crevices somewhere. Its been a while since I’ve had time alone, by myself. I got so used to having someone around that the thought of not being around him would fill me with a sense of loneliness. Its been a while since I felt at peace with solitude.
I cried today. I didn’t like how needy I was feeling. I cried not because I didn’t feel loved, but because I didn’t want to feel unloved. I cried because I wanted to feel self-sufficient. And yet, it slips away from me every time I try hard to hold onto that feeling.
I do not like not being in control knowing fully well that if I let go, I will be in control. Life is such an irony. Love should be liberating, not binding. It should be exalting, not denigrating. And here I am, gripping with my odd state.. that of feeling something between wanting to feel loved and not wanting to feel it.
Thursday 23rd July 2009
Once again as I sit by my window and feel the cool breeze that I know I will miss, a sudden realization dawns upon me.
I cannot hold on to the wind…