I miss those balmy nights of summer and the salty breeze of your beach. The beads of sweat & water in the heat and in the rain. I crave passionate conversations with friends in the quiet haunts of  your lonely streets.

But Bombay, you were not the city of my dreams! You’re the city of my nostalgia; the city of bittersweet things!

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The newness of everything should have been engaging. But it isn’t so.
Yes it snowed throughout the first 2 months. At first, I loved it. 
For the first time I was experiencing a prolonged period of boredom.
I started watching stuff. It didn’t bore me. 
I watched people running to get somewhere.
I watched the snow slowly swaying in the air till it melted on a black jacket.
I watched white fluff enveloping everything like someone pushed down on a giant can of white frosting.
I ate different kinds of food, relishing some, disliking others.
I watched my weight remain a constant which did draw out an emotion from me – Anger.
I craved for the sun. The novelty of snowy, wet days made me ache for warmth.
I watched into windows and then into walls.
I stared into space.
I fell silent.
The chores at home feel burdensome. Eating feels like a task; “too much effort” a voice mumbles inside my head. Let alone dishes and laundry.
Gadgets, books, pencils, charcoal – nothing seems to change it.
Its disturbing. To watch yourself do nothing. To feel yourself feeling nothing.
My body refuses to move. I could lie in bed and not wake up. 
Maybe I’d feel nothing, just the same as when I’m awake.
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On a cold night in December well-past midnight as we sit outside in our balcony, frothy cold coffee and a chill in the air are a perfect pause to listen to the sound of the breeze that spells the coming of the new year!

The last 3 days & nights have blended into each other as they’ve been spent lazing around – eating, drinking and making merry! how wonderfully refreshing it feels to do absolutely nothing… to wake up with nothing on your mind, no work to be done, just waking up to a new day!

The maid is on leave. And the house manages to take care of itself. No food is prepared in advance. We eat what we find or make what we feel like. We eat smelly blue cheese or feta with bread and canned kidney beans.We share a pint or two when we feel like it.

We buy half a kg cake – a decadent one called ‘Death by chocolate’ last night. We buy 2 more cakes – a simple sponge cake and the other one is orange. I make milkshakes with cake and chocochip cookies or banana milkshakes or simply cold coffee.

We take naps whenever we’re sleepy, the day begins afresh whenever we awaken whether its 12 in the afternoon or 7 in the evening. This is probably the best ‘vacation-time’ we’ve had in a while, he says!

This year will end on a very pleasant note! That of being decadent, lazy, romantic and slightly tipsy with some jazz for the perfect blend!

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We are a confused species

As oxymoronic as it may sound to the profession I have chosen for myself, I have come to accept at some level; the profound truth that…

Human beings are a fundamentally dysfunctional species of beings.
Trying to stabilize them results in a number of undesirable behaviors. As I was sitting and listening to the story of Woody Allen’s Vicky Christina Barcelona, lots of different tangents led me in many different directions but were overall connected by this central thought that seemed to get validated once every tangent was analysed!

Lets take for example, the broad and mostly well-accepted categorization of people into two groups:

The quirky-weird ones v/s the normal ones
The idealist-philosophical-intellectual types v/s the realists
The non-conformists v/s the conformists
The creative-artist types v/s the logical types

If you carefully analyse these categories, you will be able to extrapolate the basic characteristic traits of the two categories of people. On the basis of this categorization and the traits that follow them, it is safe to assume that the first kind of people –
quirky-weird, idealist-philosophical-intellectual, non-conformists & creative-artist types will share a range of characteristic traits that I’m not gonna bother explaining (If you don’t already know that, this blog isn’t for you!)

One of their basic characteristics is that almost all of them have unstable lives as far as relationships are concerned.
Thinkers, painters, philosophers, artists, writers, actors, musicians!
An explanation for their quirkiness, creativity, intellect, philosophical thoughts, non-conformism, etc. is that the more volatile our relationships with people, the more stimulus the volatility provides. As a species that thinks, (remember Descartes saying ‘I think, therefore I am’) it is essential for us to remain in a conducive environment that allows thought. (ramblings, rants, ponderings, realisations, introspection, retrospection, etcetera etcetera…) This is possible only when something goes wrong! When something goes right, what do you do with it? Nothing! But when something goes wrong, you think! And unfortunately, we cannot have one without the other. Theoretically therefore, Stability – a trait that the latter category of people share is therefore NOT conducive for exponential thought processing!

We all want something exciting in our lives, we yearn for idealism – be it love or money!
We yearn for passion, creativity, philosophical explanations that validate our presence on this earth!
When we are exposed to instances in our life that provide the above, & do not last too long – they are cherished and we want more of them.

So, theoretically speaking, if we were to live like that throughout our lives, we wouldn’t have much to complain about. However, a series of such instances would make it difficult for us to live normally.

In practicality, we lack the ability sustain an unstable life that would provide a conducive environment for the passion, creativity, intellectual and philosophical thought, etc.
So, we try and outsmart nature! We try to find a balance between the two – the ideal and the real!
Now… time is a wonderful thing. Just like water finds its own level in time, relationships also find their own stability! Even the most active volcano cools down over time. And there is a period of rest before the next eruption. All relationships in time, tend to become still (or boring) Time however, can make still waters swell up and form waves.

Thus proving, we are all essentially dysfunctional. And THAT is what makes life interesting!

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Growing old is a dislikeable thought!

When life throws at you not a single but many instances to ponder over, what do you do with those ramblings inside of your head? especially when the ramblings start to make sense and you see hazy images transforming into a clear picture concluding in a realisation.

Many such instances and many such ponderings have led to the following realisation:

Age is inversely proportionate to the number of errors one is allowed to commit.
Age and number of errors share an inversely proportionate relationship with each other.

In other words, as the candles on your cake increase, the wrongs in your life should decrease!

When I was 18, I used to be told I looked older… much older! I never had a problem with it. Infact, come to think of it, it gave me an edge over others, professionaly atleast! However, now that I am older than 18 and look my age (finally) the idea of growing old has begun to scare me. And ironically, it has nothing to do with looks!

The phrase ‘growing old’ states indirectly that one ought to ‘grow wise’ and that one would make ‘lesser mistakes’ It seems to me as if these are expectations that we have of ourselves and of others and expectations that others have of us. The idea of growing old brings with it these unsaid ‘rules’ & taking responsibility for one’s follies is difficult.

The older you are, the wiser you are expected to be; the lesser mistakes you are expected to commit, &; the more you are shunned for needing someone to tell you “its okay”

I miss being told its okay! I miss having the freedom to make mistakes and learn from them. I miss not having as much time to try again when I do make a mistake. 
And worst of all, I dislike having the knowledge that they’re bound to happen, at some point in time.

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The Need to Belong

Saturday the 18th of July 2009.

I’m moving from this home. I’m saying Goodbye to a home I dwelt in for close to two years. I never even liked the place much. Yet, I’m filled with a heaviness knowing I wont roam around these floors, have these walls to lean on, have these windows to sit by. I’m moving into a beautiful house. I love how it looks. Over the last 15 days, I’ve been thinking of how I’ll decorate it, how I’ll make it my new home! This sudden sense of familiarity that I’m going to leave away filled me with a yearning.. to belong… I feel a sense of belongingness to this home. Is it cos I stayed here too long?

I wonder why we feel this way… Why is it that we associate ourselves to something external, something outside of us and want to make it our own? The teddy bear I held onto, the books lying in my bookshelf for years, the furniture I liked, the blanket I cannot sleep without… the people I cannot live without…

Why this need to hold onto something with all our might. As if life itself would come to an end if it were to be taken away from us.

I’m sitting by myself in my dining room, listening to the nightly sounds of life – a bike finding its way on the pot-holed road outside, a child crying in a house upstairs, the television in my neighbor’s house, the rain pattering on the wall outside, the wind blowing hard into small crevices somewhere. Its been a while since I’ve had time alone, by myself. I got so used to having someone around that the thought of not being around him would fill me with a sense of loneliness. Its been a while since I felt at peace with solitude.

I cried today. I didn’t like how needy I was feeling. I cried not because I didn’t feel loved, but because I didn’t want to feel unloved. I cried because I wanted to feel self-sufficient. And yet, it slips away from me every time I try hard to hold onto that feeling.

I do not like not being in control knowing fully well that if I let go, I will be in control. Life is such an irony. Love should be liberating, not binding. It should be exalting, not denigrating. And here I am, gripping with my odd state.. that of feeling something between wanting to feel loved and not wanting to feel it.

Thursday 23rd July 2009

Once again as I sit by my window and feel the cool breeze that I know I will miss, a sudden realization dawns upon me.

I cannot hold on to the wind…

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Monday Morning Blues…

So you walk into office expecting a whole lot of work piled onto your table. You walk in assuming that of all days, you will get late today!

What you don’t expect is to reach much before your record time in!
What you don’t expect even more is for the AC to not work in the sweltering heat of Bombay summer!
What you don’t expect more than anything is for the windows to be open (as a compensation for the non-functional AC) and make all the paperwork fly off your desk and all over the place.
What you don’t expect at all is your friend calling you up and telling you about his week long break from work and how he spent it!

Conversation between AM & me

(post disconnection from gtalk)

AM: (over sms) call up naa.. my net’s down!
me: (over phone) haan.. wats up!
AM: how was the party last week..
me: oh, it was nice! some ppl cudn’t make it!
AM: why are you so bla?
me: The AC in the office is not working.. for the last 3 days!
AM: Fuck! must be hot!
me: You think!!!
AM: oh.. and ur on the last floor naa.. terrace wala!
me: (grumbling..) YES!
me: so how did u spend ur week off? Read something?
AM: No! hardly!
me: what did you do?
AM: Not much.. watched TV, saw 3 and a half episodes of ‘How I met your mother’
me: Go die! Shameless.. you were supposed to read! u had ‘goals’ remember?
AM: I didn’t take a bath on Saturday, Sunday!
me: huh? YUCK! It is so hot!!! What’s wrong with you?
AM: I’ve just realised.. I’m very lazy man! i didn’t feel like taking a bath Sat/Sun.. so i didn’t!
me: ‘unspellable involuntary sounds expressing disgust’
AM: I didn’t call anyone! I didn’t feel like talking to anyone! I was so lazy, I didn’t move from bed all day! Just watched those episodes.. read a little.. and got wasted sleeping!
me: I’m going to blog this!
AM: Bitch! don’t do that!
me: Call you back in 5!


The difference between 10 to 6 corporate slaves like myself and arty tarty moody creative freaks!

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Too close for comfort!

Bombay is bursting at its seams!
How many times have we heard this and since how many aeons?

Now women, pay close to attention to this post!
This is dedicated to all those who toil through their day and travel in Mumbai’s fastest travel network . The railways! (I’m not as sympathetic to men who do the same… you’ll know why after u finish reading this post)

I hardly venture out to the town side of Bombay. I’m a suburbs person.. and suburbs for me stretch from Andheri to Bandra. everything on either side is FAR! (Don’t anyone of you call me lazy. I hate traffic and noise and pollution. I get migraines OKAY! Besides, it was easier and fun to travel in a car with the windows shut and me at the wheel maneuvering, so much more in control of the situation! So what if it was a run-down Maruti 800! I felt safer in it)

So here I was today, dressed all formally, decked formally rather for a meeting that I had at Mumbai Central. The ride was comfortable enough while I got there. The meeting went wonderfully well. And as I looked at watch, I was happy that it wasn’t rush hour yet. 5 o’clock. I had a return ticket so no worries of getting delayed at the Ticket Counter.

I rushed and crossed the overhead bridge. (Oooh, I have to tell you this too.. when I was on the bridge, this one guy looked up from a train below and winked.. I was far away, he couldn’t do me no harm.. So I was delighted to be able to show him the right gesture with the use of hand.. err.. fingers..) Got to the platform and took a not so crowded train back home. I was happy there was enough place to stand and breathe comfortably and even read my book.

And then came Dadar! My new-found hatred for small, crowded spaces was beginning to show up when a woman came close enough for me to smell the garlic from the dal tadka she’d probably eaten during lunch. God forbid if flatulence made its loud, smelly entry into the atmosphere right about now! I’d die with suffocation! I grew terribly uncomfortable and prayed with every passing minute that no more foul smelling women should come in but the rush just wouldn’t stop. I wonder why people still say Bombay is bursting at its seams… You morons! It has BURST…. ages ago!!!

Now you’ll know why I restrict my traveling beyond a diameter of… okay, not a diameter! a vertical distance of 3 to 5 kms in the city starting Andheri (I’m including Oshiwara, Inorbit Mall and 7 Bunglows.. they’re nice places)

Next stop, we have more women jumping in! As if this is the last train going to Borivli. Now, I msut say this here.. women sweat a LOT! men sweat too… but women sweat a lot.. please carry a deo women.. GROSS! Everywhere I turned I curled my nose to a new but equally horrid smell. plus all the oil (euw euw euwww…) Champa, chameli have a great fragrance in FLOWERS; NOT on the head.. and especially not in bucketfuls that cover everyone around them yuck… besides, I’m somehow always disadvantaged in train rides considering I’m always taller than most women (I wear heels on the top of my 5’6″ height) so I have to unfortunately subject my olfactory glands to the torture of women’s odd smelling hair and their gross, sweaty arm-pits that somehow always land straight in front of my face!

Another thing that I hate about train travel is women going ‘pcha’ ‘tch’ and such sounds clicking away their tongues at every instance another person’s body touches theirs.. If you don’t like it, shut up and bear it.. (or write a blog about it later) its not not like people like and want to touch you! (maybe some.. but not most!) but you know, I don’t understand one thing.. (Please note, that women come in all shapes and sizes… and there’s a healthy variety amongst them. Men do too.. but the fat and stout ones are thankfully rare) yea.. so like I was saying.. (brace yourself, this is ugly!) I don’t understand this one thing.. how is it that women who travel daily in trains are not conscious about their bodies? I don’t understand how one woman can let her boobs bump into another woman’s back? EUWWWWW!
You’re offended when a man stares at them for a flash of a second even.. and yet, you leave them around to float into the space available and gross out another way too conscious stranger woman? *blrhpd* (that was an involuntary noise that I make when I’m disgusted.. Imagine me writhing and shaking my head, curling up my nose and contorting my mouth.. get the picture?.. good! that was it!)

I think I was thoroughly disgusted by this train ride. I landed home to realize I was reeking of 4 different kinds of smells.. nariyal tael (favorite amongst most people, gross to me and others of normal orientation), baby saliva (don’t make that face! I was the one next to the smelly toddler), sweat (I don’t sweat, never so gross! so it had to be someone else’s!) and kadhva tael (Gawd.. sticky and too strong! curse that fisherwoman bai!)

How I hate women who don’t tie their hair up while traveling! Imagine trying to struggle and writhe in a space so small that its difficult to even breathe! and then imagine this one light irritating tingle on ur arm or your hand; stupid OAFS! Why can’t they fuckin tie their hair UP, AWAY? And then when that plait gets caught in some stifling crevice, they yell around.. the damned dupatta does the same thing.. damn it.. why am I cribbing.. people’s skins do the same thing.. I don’t know how others can take it!

OOOOORRRR… maybe I’m just obsessive compulsive with paranoia to top it!

If you come out of the train smelling of 4 different people, its time to say it ISN’T okay! If it takes you an hour to travel a distance of 3 kms by road, its time to say it ISN’T okay! If people are willing to lose their lives for one foot of space in a local train, its time to say it ISN’T okay!

Unfortunately, we all behave like it still is! Until then, goodluck trying to fight with garlic mouth, fart head and champa-chameli!

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Been so long…

September was when I last saw this page; blogging got replaced with lots of new things. Priorities changed. People changed. Passions changed. Philosophies changed. I filled pages after pages in my diary craving to blog here again.

Etched in ink, inspirations drowned in the pages of my life. I remained patient as a new page revealed itself to me each day. New beginnings & new endings. Evolution is after all the basis of my ideology. It is my most fundamental belief.
Rejecting it would be the same as denying my existence. The only way to do this was to adapt; to change. Problems seem to take care of themselves when you loosen up, let go and be with the flow. What have you got to lose especially when you have no other options!

I went through a million transitions. WHY? Let me start at the very beginning then.
I learnt the following during those months.

Discalimer: The following are subject to change as and when new learnings are imbibed. As of today, this is my stand.

1) Dads who cant dance can look adorable when they finally do.

2) Marriage is not as bad as it is made out to be.

3) Planning your own wedding is not romantic PERIOD!

4) Love is indeed a glorified name for having someone who obligatorily fulfills your needs

5) MBAs make a fuckload of money as compared to us lesser mortals. And this is not just those IIMs or whatever other bigshot institutes there could be.

6) I suffer from Dyscalculia. My math SUCKS !!!!!!!!!

7) Handwriting Analysis still makes me money

8) 7 hours of sleep doesn’t sound healthy but it is!

9) Breakfast is a great habit

10) Making lunch at 7 am isn’t only a wife’s work! 😛

11) Hard work pays

12) Time really does heal

13) I AM married ( Yes, I still freak out at the thought of it !!!)

And on that lucky note, I’ll sign off!


PS: I know its been a long time since I blogged but I promise I’m going to try and do some new stuff and post as regularly and as frequently as possible.

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The world’s still spinnin’ aroun’!

Blowing circles of smoke through my lips, seeing blurry visions of a rain-soaked cloud passing by… I watch the road in silence. Sitting next to my sweetheart, feeling the slight kick of the slowly overtaking intoxication… I enjoy the company of the shared silence between us.

Exchanging fully understood smiles, not feeling the need to speak, not wanting to interfere in the beauty of the moment… I remember all of this as my head touches my pillow this night.

I’m tired after a long, demanding day. And yet I smile as I lay my head to sleep.
I have pain in my lower back. And yet I wait for tomorrow morning to wake up so as to see the day transform into the evening sky.
I have so much more work pending for tomorrow. And yet I’m waiting for evening to come.. to be held in strong arms again.

Its 2:50 am. I’m sleepy. But I want to stay up just so I can go back and enjoy stolen moments of intimacy.. imagine them.. relive them..

Love is a wonderful feeling..

While it lasts, it makes the world spin!
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