Black, White

So you’re sitting online checking your gmail.

And of course you’re online on gchat as well..
But have you noticed the number of people who have sidelines next to their names..
Myself included!

It just made me think out loud… why do so many people write a sideline..
Some have their blog links, some have links to professional networking profile pages.. most just have a sideline.. usually an opinion on a social or political happening, a declaration of feelings or some famous personality’s famous/not-so-famous words. Some have their own not-so-famous words.

Its interesting to know that we all feel the need to express ourselves in varying degrees. It also feels good to know that people use this medium – the online/written medium to convey to the world at large – their thoughts, feelings, opinions! Somehow gives me a teeny tiny feeling of consolation. We’re not a suppressed generation. We voice ourselves. We use the online medium to reach out to people! Hell I use my blog to vent out frustrations, to declare to the world that I’m happy or I’m sad!

It feels good when someone understands! It feels great when someone else says that’s exactly how I feel or that’s what I think too!

What a wonderful world!

So what!

I know I’m a girl! I know its not easy to ride a bike! Even more difficult if I fancy a Karizma in my control!

I used to drive before. Agreed it was a rundown Maruti 800. Agreed I drove only inside the city but hey, I had fun doing it! It wasn’t about controlling a vehicle. It was about being able to control where I wanted to. I liked knowing where I was headed. And I liked the idea of charting my own path and enjoying the journey.

When I see boys, men! yeah alright.. whatever!

I see 30 something men who live their 9-5 (or maybe more) corporate lives during the week and make a total about turn during the weekends.. taking off to a Goa or the Sahyadris.. or even riding cross country! I stumbled onto a group called BikeNomads. I wonder what makes these guys go! Maybe the thrill! or for the joy of an adventure!
I don’t know! Frankly I don’t care to analyse it.

Deep breath!!! I like how I feel on a bike! I like it when the wind blows in my face with such a speed that I can hear it passing by. I like it when my heartbeat jumps from 75 to 80, when the adrenaline’s pumping and when I can feel a nervous excitement traveling speedily from my face to my fingertips right through my spine and down to my toes! all in quick simultaneous seconds!

I wish I knew how to ride a bike! I wish I ‘could’ ride a bike! ‘Cause knowing is one thing! Actually riding is another!

I remember one time… A friend who owned a TVS Victor would take me on these small rides from the market to home. Or the station to the rickshaw stand! I used to get excited at thought of being driven around for 5 mins. I would bug him to teach me how to ride a bike. And to let me sit in front while he was behind guiding. One day, he agreed and challenged me to take the bike off the stand. I let my excitement show and told him that he underestimated my strength. I shoved him aside and mustered up all my masculnity and puffed out my chest and went about the manly task!

I’m glad he was around to hold the bike AND me when I almost fell under the weight of the bike after I took it off the stand.

But it was such a lovely feeling! Sigh!

This December, I went to Andaman. And went bike riding on the backseat. Oh it was soooo much fun !!!!

I feel sad that I can’t ride! Its even more sad that I can’t get someone to give me a ride! Most friends have cars! People are so used to cars. Besides, I know that Mumbai roads are not the best for bikers! My sympathies! But I still feel deprived of bike riding! Maybe someday I’ll buy a bike – a light one! Learn how to ride & enjoy this exhilerating feeling that I get everytime I go riding on a bike!

*Gleeflly smiling like a 10 yr old with a big candy bar!*

Sometimes I look at some people – awestruck!

and wonder!

HOW CAN THEY BE SO FUCKING DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, it was calculated that a thousand people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.

Three minutes went by and a middle aged man noticed the musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried to meet his schedule.

A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping continued to walk.

A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late for work.

The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along and hurried, but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk turning his head all the time. Several other children did the same and all parents, without exception, forced them to move on.

In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

No one knew this but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the best musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written with a violin worth US$3.5 million.

Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theater in Boston and the tickets averaged $100.

This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and priorities of people. The outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour: Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context?

I like people who smile…
I love most people who smile! But people smile for very different reasons…
Here’s a few of my interpretations of some smiles I’ve noticed…

I have a friend who is into theatre. He has a constant smile on his face. But its an amused smile… If you look at his face when he’s smiling, it looks like he is enjoying something! The expression on his face (even though it’s just a smile) says
“life amuses me”…
“people amuse me”.
“I respect them for who they are.. and they’re funny…”
“not good not bad… just funny!”

I have another acquaintance who also constantly smiles. And even though I like him as much as my theatre pal, his smile looks like he mocks life. It looks like…
“Whatever happens around me, whatever people do is so stupid!”
“I’m so wise! So much more intelligent than them!”

I have a friend. Her name is Priya. We know each other since we were born! I know her family well just like she knows mine. Whenever our mothers would meet, the room would roar with laughter! Our mothers never smiled! They laughed… and they laughed loudly… never ashamed of being so loud or un-lady like! I found instances to tell Aunty how much I loved her laughter. She laughed like
“There’s no care in the world”
“Life’s too short to waste it just smiling… so I’d rather laugh”
Her laugh is so full of life that if you were sad, it could make you forget your sadness and laugh life’s worries away!

I have a colleague. He name’s Angana. She has what I call lasmile. She laughs but it isn’t too big.. she smiles but it isn’t too small. It’s a great combination of both! Her lasmile looks like
“I don’t have a care in the world!”
“Whatever the problem, we’ll take care of it”
“For now, I just wana laugh/smile.. wait.. I wanna do both!”

Then there’s my best friend Sukhada. She’s the most sensitive person I’ve ever seen on this planet! She cares so much for people and principles! No wonder she’s a journalist. But she’s equally capable of becoming the funniest person ever! She doesn’t laugh! She neighs!!! She makes up her own language… sings songs with missing words stringing ones that may rhyme though they don’t make any sense. And then she laughs on her own stupidities and makes the whole world laugh with her…
Her laugh nay; her neigh is like
“I’m just high on pot” (Mind you she’s absolutely sober she laughs like she’s doped!!!)
“I cannot help but laugh”
Her laugh is extremely contagious and is a stress buster… ‘cos you end up laughing… at her laugh! Always! ‘cos it’s so much fun being around her!

Finally, there was my mother!
I’ve seen many of her smiles and many of her laughs! With various interpretations!

5 years ago, I never saw her smile… I always saw her laugh! She was so full of joy! Loud peals of laughter, mirth! Dirty jokes and smart ass lines, wisecracks and loads of fun… when I push myself to remember her life before her illness, I see flashes of these memories. Broken but real!

When I’m reminded of the more recent times, I remember only her subdued smiles… the lips would part wide, cautious not to show more, they would show signs of laughter… too scared to break into a laugh!

And then there were times where even the smiles were tiresome! Keeping an iron will, not giving in to tears was difficult when people expected a smile. She fought hard and succeeded most of the times…

And right now I have a smile! Sad yet at peace!

“I saw a still-born child, a bundle of flesh & hair;
Life & death were juxtaposed in a secret love-affair”

Its only the first attempt….

I saw her last breath and felt her heart quiver
My tears refuse to cease, still crying a crimson river.

Her face was so white with golden wisps of hair
Like healing breath on a wound so bare.

Her memory still fresh though the tears went dry
The pain grew numb as the years went by.

I went through life with nothing in sight
Surviving by day, existing at night.

I did everything to get by this day
…anything to get till dawn.

————————————-

I haven’t concluded this one…. cos I just couldn’t find anything…. will try again!

Comments & criticism welcomed…

I waited for the sun to go down.
He promised me he’d be around.

I watched the horizon go dim
Till I heard the wind make a soft sound.

Leaves rustling; bouncing off the rasp of my footsteps,
As I walked home in the cold night air.

Breathing sighs and hoping for a better day tomorrow
I fell off to sleep in my arm chair.

I woke up this day and saw hope in the sky
Today may be my lucky day.

Morning came, slowly afternoon and then came evening too.
Frowning, I knew hope had remained a ray.

I turned my eyes heavenward, praying one last time.
His face flashed before my eyes.

Walking home that night with loneliness for a companion.
I listened to my own sighs.

As I entered my house, I heard a voice.
At once I thought he was there.

The sight of him in flesh and blood made everything alive.
I touched his face, his eyes, his lips,
He was really there.

I hugged him tightly, holding him close
Feeling every heartbeat.

Closing my eyes, I breathe out my fears.
I know now that his love has taken over me
From head to feet.

I’m trying hard not to stay up these days at night!

Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail miserably.
Besides, these days there’s no difference in nights and days. I feel like a zombie walking around at any/all hours of the day. I wake up at 1 and 2 in the middle of the afternoon wondering what time it is. I brush my teeth, eat lunch and feel like the life has been sucked out of me.

Wasted! That’s how life seems – after everyone tells you how much you’ve achieved and how good all of that is at such a young age! Lost and nobody to translate… no energy left… there’s no direction to my doing. There’s no satisfaction in what I accomplish. I want more! And I feel frustrated at not being able to get where I want. And the energy to explain it all to someone… oh my F*&%*@G Lord! WHY! Why do people ask questions at such times? Why can’t they just leave you alone? Why do they think they have all the answers? If I can’t solve my problem, then no one can! And that’s the golden rule… Keep it in mind everyone! You’d rather leave people alone when they ask you to – especially the kind of people who you know will come around and bounce back on their own. They just need some space…

Disinterested, dissociated, dysfunctional… I feel like I’m in the middle of a room full of old, moldy furniture and books and rotting plants and paint-peeling walls and I have to clean all this up! And everywhere I turn there’s a pile of stuff I don’t want to touch and the more I ignore it, the more it comes back in my face. Like dust… that even after settling down, rises back from the dead if you so much as breathe. And day in and day out – you live with it. Until one fine day, you muster up all the your courage and strength and decide once and for all – this is it! I won’t take this crap anymore. I deserve better. And if it doesn’t come to me, I’ll chase it till it sits pretty in my hands.

Sigh……… Sometimes I feel I’m just chasing the wind, the more I run after it, the more it escapes me. But when I stand still and forget about it, it touches my face silently…

followed by a cold gushing shower of rain – so soft and loud at the same time. Silence!!!!!! It is the rain… hitting my face with the cold wind. That cold, dead feeling is gone.. replaced with a cold that attracts the warmth of the embrace of a loved one…

My numbness is gone.. replaced with an undulating, warm inspiration. This silence is now serene!

This must be the 100th draft of this post!
Ok No, I’m exxagerating! But it is … I donno which! It was one after many many rough starts!

I have never found it so difficult to put down what I feel in words.
In fact, I’ve almost always written instinctively with no corrections.

Today, I want to write about my mind – the unquenchable thirst of my mind. A constant need to know more, gain more, understand more – sustains my sanity. Like the little ones of birds with their throats wide open for food. My mind wants to contain more and I am unable to find ways and means to accommodate it. My body is not able to keep up with the dynamism of my mind. And I feel handicapped by it. I can feel the weight – like the pressure cooker – ready to blow up.

Only, I don’t want to blow up, I don’t want to diffuse. I want to be able to control it and nurture it slowly, simmering it!

Conversations fuel me. They fire my imagination. They make me want to do stuff – sketch, paint, write, draw, study, read, understand, feel, live, love…

I feel like it will all overflow. Like the milk kept on boil and forgotten about! There’s so much I want to do, so much I want to accomplish. There are times; a few hours of a calm sense prevailing over my mind. I feel at peace during those brief periods. I want more of those. And I don’t want to WANT them. I wait for them and watch them go by. Like an outsider to my own body. Watching it all from a distance! I crave to hold on to those moments.

My pessimism sometimes takes over and I feel cursed for having a mind at all.
And yet, there are other times I feel “wow, the mind is a beautiful journey – a never ending search!” one that keeps you going for life.

People, Things, Realizations, feelings, emotions, relationships – they all burn down to words.
Words – My favorite escape. Words – Food for thought!

The mind is the most beautiful organ of the human body! And I am in a love-hate relationship with mine!